Relationships: Creating the Intimacy You Desire
Relating with the person we are closest to can often present us with the most intense challenges, as well as the greatest opportunities for healing. Although these challenges go to the core of our Being, they are much easier to meet when using the tools and perspectives offered in the Process Practitioner Manual. Healing painful relationship issues usually goes more quickly when both partners are using the same tools. However, it's quite possible for only one person to heal the whole relationship. When one person shifts, the entire pattern of relating changes as well.
The tools and perspectives of Process Coaching offer either or both partners a road map for creating a truly loving and fulfilling relationship. In realizing how we ourselves are responsible for the quality of what happens in relating with another, we also become empowered to make whatever changes we desire and draw more of the love that we've been yearning for in the relationship.
The conditioning of the culture has taught us that when we find the 'right' person, they will fulfill us completely; they will fill in what is missing or needed in us, and make us happy. Modern fairy tales about this kind of love abound in the culture. For a woman, her prince is supposed to come and provide her with the intimate love she's always wanted. For a man, his mate should be sexy, caring, smart, and know what to do and say to make him happy. They find each other and they live happily ever after.
We have been taught to believe that this is what love should be like, yet this fairy tale story is very rarely, if ever, actualized.
What we notice instead is that when we set up someone else as our source of love and support, we create an unhealthy enmeshment and a relationship that is destined to fail. All goes well until one of the partners has a wounded part of themselves triggered by the other.
The partner that was supposed to be the source of the love now instead becomes the perpetrator of pain. Their previous role as the caring and loving partner suddenly becomes the unloving parent, or worse. Our hopes are dashed, we feel betrayed or abandoned and we experience a reenactment of a painful trauma that was there inside of us, long before we met our partner.
When we come to realize that we're reenacting an imprint with its beginnings in our own past, and that this wounding is happening inside of us at a deeper unconscious level, we can also realize that we are projecting the perpetrator of the pain out onto our partner, as if casting them in that role in our own 'movie.'
However, since the pain is happening inside of us, we are the only ones that can truly show up for our own hurting parts and bring real healing to them. We are the only ones that can be our own Healer. Once we own that it's our responsibility to bring resources to our hurting, parts our partner is no longer expected to play the role of the loving parent to our hurt child. Now we do that for ourselves. We meet the needs of our own hurting parts with the loving acceptance they long for and deserve.
When we become the source of our own healing and of our own love, our partner can now experience enough space to be who they truly are, without our negative (or positive) projections.
How wonderful to be with another who allows you to be yourself in each moment, and loves you for being just the way you are! Now there are two resourceful adults relating together, each responsible for one hundred percent of their own reality, relating as loving peers.
The tools and perspectives detailed in this manual empower us to show up as the Healer of our reality, so that self-love can flourish. When we are loving ourselves, loving our significant other follows naturally. The Movies Metaphor shows how we unconsciously project parts of ourselves onto the screen of the so-called objective reality casting others to play various roles in our movie.
The Perceptual Positions practice empowers us to differentiate our own experience from the experience of another, and shows us how to know when we are projecting something of ourselves onto another. This practice also enables us to truly perceive the other not as projection of self, but just as they perceive themselves.
As we practice, we become more and more resourceful as the Healer of our world. And as we heal, our sentient/feeling parts experience more and more of the love they've always longed for. As we love ourselves more deeply, the Universe begins to reflect this newfound resourcefulness and love back to us, and relating deeply with another becomes the full and joyously loving experience that it was meant to be, far better than the fairy tales could predict.