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Parenting as a Healing Journey


Our children are born through us, yet they are unique and distinct individuals with paths of their own. Our responsibility is to nurture and guide them, yet how do we avoid projecting our own limiting conditioning onto them? How can we as parents learn from and heal the childhood conditioning and issues in ourselves that our children bring up in us? When we're feeling guilty, helpless, enraged or stuck in a battle of wills, what resources can we call upon for help?

Our children act as mirrors of what is going on in us at a deeper, subconscious layer of experience. They do not cause our pain, they only point to what has been there all along, below conscious awareness. The last thing we want as parents is to pass our inner wounds on to our children. Yet unless we heal the deep issues that parenting brings up for us, we are destined to reenact and pass down to our children the very wounds that are still unhealed in us.

We have been taught as parents to focus our energy in trying to control and change our children so that they will behave well. This approach only works temporarily to control a situation that is calling for a more comprehensive approach. Most of us have not yet learned how to heal what our children's behavior triggers in us. The tools and perspectives in this manual allow us as parents to open ourselves to fully receive what our children have been reflecting back to us, and then provide the means to heal what they have triggered in us.

Healing Childhood Conditioning

The tools and frameworks of Process Coaching provide the means to bring our awareness back inside of ourselves, in order to heal the pain and conditioning that's been there from before our children were born, often going back for generations. We learn how to release ourselves and our children from these long standing obsolete and dysfunctional family patterns.

As we become present and lovingly parental to ourselves; we become our own Healer. And in so doing, we model authenticity and self-love for our children. Children learn far more through the examples and modeling that adults provide than through what we tell them.

Our children reflect our inner wounded child parts that have not yet been healed. It's as if the moment of childhood trauma birthed a child who would always be that age, experiencing that trauma for all time in the deep unconscious until we go back and bring healing to that part of ourselves. The Regression Process offers an effective way to find and heal these lost parts of ourselves.

With the willingness to look inside of ourselves for what has been reflected by our children, to feel what it brings up and then bring loving acceptance to what's been there, we can heal ourselves, and in so doing release our children from the job of reflecting that particular part of us.

This dynamic is radically different than traditional parenting where a child would do something that triggered anger in the parent, and then the child would receive some kind of punishment intended to stop the behavior. That model not only harms the child's ability to learn and grow freely, it does nothing to heal the wounded child part inside the parent that drew the trigger in the first place.

Once the hurt child inside of us has received the medicine of loving acceptance, that inner child no longer has the need to draw situations of suffering similar to the original incident of childhood trauma. In this way painful patterns dissolve in the new integration of self.

Parents have experienced fear and guilt that has told them that if they don't shape their children with punishment and rewards, the children will fail in life and the parents will be to blame. This work opens the possibility of a new, radically loving way of living with children and parenting them. In cultivating the intention to heal in themselves whatever comes up in the family, parents can experience truly loving themselves, which then naturally spills out into the whole family.

Guilt and blame, the hallmarks of traditional child rearing, are like stones in the family garden that can be easily removed with the tool of Judgment Release. Traditional parenting had us believing that if we felt guilty about ourselves, we would change for the better, and that blaming others for causing us pain would make them change into better people. Yet experience shows that guilt and blame do not foster learning or change, they only engender more guilt and blame while allowing the circumstances that triggered the pain to actually continue. Real learning cannot easily happen in the presence of guilt or blame.