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You Are the Healer

The healing work depends on developing and nurturing a part of ourselves that functions as a resourceful healer capable of loving and parenting the other parts of ourselves that are traumatized, lost and suffering. A quality that describes the attitude and approach of a successful healing part is 'parentalness.' In the best sense of 'parental,' this is a loving and responsible part capable of bringing real help to any and all parts of the Self who may need it.

'Responsible' here means capable of taking care of the problem. It does not mean the one who is to blame. It is vital to understand that although we did not consciously create the mess we have inherited, we are the ones who now must do something to heal it.

When I first met my inner child in a regression process, I was awe-struck at the beauty and simplicity of the child and his innocent approach to the difficult situations he had to face. As my adult self, I could look back with understanding and empathy for that little kid. Where I had been critical of myself, I came to realize the child had to do the things he did the way he did them, he didn't have the resources to do otherwise. My heart opens wide now when I realize the deep wonder and beauty of this child... who I once was.

The most obvious realization I had in going back there... was that the pain the child had experienced, I'm still experiencing. The next thing I realized was that if I want the pain to stop, I can offer my services as a loving, responsible and resourceful adult to the child. I can be a loving parental figure to him, and bring real help to this part of myself that has been buried in my unconscious, feeling so much pain.

I also realized that all of my life I had been staying away from him and similar parts of myself because of their pain. I had repressed him and what he was feeling by shunning him, ignoring him, and pushing him down in various ways... because I didn't want to feel those awful feelings.

Now I know that the pain was a message. This part of me had needed to get my attention, he wanted me to come to his rescue. I know now that whenever I experience pain of any kind, it's a message that someone inside is still separated from the rest of me, and is asking for my loving acceptance so that he may come back home.

Self-parenting is a very simple concept that has vast ramifications in the healing work. The simple truth is... there is a part of each of us capable of being lovingly parental to all the rest of us, even the most damaged and tortured parts. It is a priority in the self-healing work to focus on finding and developing this loving, resourceful, parental part... because this is the inner healer who will bring the resources that the other parts have needed to heal into wholeness with the rest of the Self.

Self-parenting becomes an ongoing process of developing and strengthening the resources of the loving healer part... while attending to the needs of all the parts that call out in their pain for the conscious mind's attention.

Here are some qualities that would be good to cultivate in a resourceful, loving parental part... the part capable of helping all the other parts integrate and heal:

  • Accepting
  • Appreciating
  • Encouraging
  • Understanding
  • Nurturing
  • Supporting
  • Protecting
  • Consoling
  • Communicating
  • Kind
  • Gentle
  • Patient
  • Positive
  • Hopeful
  • Inspiring
  • Trustworthy
  • Listening
  • Guiding
  • Rescuing
  • Empowering
  • Loyal
  • Constant
  • Truthful
  • Courageous
  • Fun to be with
  • Touching


In other words, unconditionally loving.

Acceptance is the True Healing Balm

The most significant shifts in process happen when an emotion or a part of ourselves finally receives acceptance after a lifetime (often eons) of being judged against and ostracized. Acceptance is the first and most important manifestation of love. And love is how healing happens. "You are okay with me, what you are feeling is okay," is the message of acceptance. Adding some of the other qualities listed above will help increase the love... and strengthen the healing part in doing its work.

This is the conscious choice of the dedicated healer... to unconditionally accept all of our emotions and parts, regardless of how 'bad' they feel and how severely we may have judged against them in the past. With the judgment release process it's easy to begin moving out the bad light that has been infecting our emotions With the presence of the loving healer, the traumatized part can now find the self-acceptance it has needed for its emotions to move, and to come back into wholeness with the rest of the Self.